How to stop comparing yourself to others: why we compare
CareOps editorial team · · Updated · 9 min read
Mental wellness information and service guidance published by CareOps.
About the CareOps editorial team
The CareOps editorial team publishes these guides. Sources are linked at the end of each article; examples are illustrative, not customer stories. Product descriptions refer to CareOps Maeumi. Publication and revision dates appear above.
Read our full editorial standards →A friend's new job, a colleague's promotion or someone's travel photos on your screen can make your own day suddenly look small. You can be pleased for someone and feel smaller at the same time, and having that reaction does not make you a bad person. Here is why we compare ourselves to others, how comparison wears down self-esteem and how to stop comparing yourself to others.
At a glance
- We compare because people want to size up their own opinions and abilities, and when there is no clear standard they look at others (Festinger, 1954). Comparing is ordinary.
- The trouble starts when you set someone's best moment against your whole life. Research has linked more exposure to better-off people on social media with lower self-esteem.
- To stop comparing yourself to others, notice when comparison starts, measure against your past self and turn the wish inside envy into a choice of your own, rather than forcing the habit to vanish.
Why do we compare ourselves to others?
In his social comparison theory, social psychologist Leon Festinger (1954) proposed that people have a drive to evaluate their own opinions and abilities. When there is a clear yardstick, such as a running time, we use it. When the yardstick is fuzzy, such as whether you are good at your job or doing well in life, we size ourselves up against the people around us. So comparing yourself to others is not a character flaw. It is a way of self-evaluation that everyone uses.
The difficulty lies in what you compare against and how often. If comparison is hardening into a sense that you are less than other people, see what inferiority feelings are and how to work with them. If wanting what someone has blurs with fearing the loss of a relationship, see jealousy vs envy.
Upward vs downward comparison
Comparing yourself with someone who seems better off is called upward comparison; comparing with someone who seems worse off is downward comparison. Upward comparison can inspire you (“I want to try that too”), but on a tired day it easily slides into “why am I so far behind?” Social psychologist Wills (1981) described how people, when they feel low, tend to ease their mood by comparing themselves with someone less fortunate.
| Type | Compared with | What it often leaves |
|---|---|---|
| Upward | Someone who seems better off | Motivation, or feeling small |
| Downward | Someone who seems worse off | Brief relief |
| Past self | You, months or a year ago | A view of your own change |
The relief from downward comparison does not last long, and leaning on someone else's hardship rarely feels good either. So this guide focuses less on changing the direction of comparison and more on examining the conclusion you draw afterward and shifting the comparison toward your past self.
Why social media makes comparison worse
A feed shows chosen, polished moments rather than anyone's whole day. Set those moments against your ordinary day and the scale always tips one way. In research with US college students (Vogel et al., 2014), the people who used Facebook most often had lower self-esteem, and that link was explained by greater exposure to people who seemed better off. In the same paper's experiment, briefly viewing a profile showing a busy social life or healthy habits lowered people's self-esteem and self-evaluation in that moment.
Seeing less can help too. In an experiment with 143 college students (Hunt et al., 2018), the group that limited Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat to 10 minutes per app per day for three weeks showed clear drops in loneliness and depression compared with the group that used them as usual. The same limit will not suit everyone, so adjust based on how you feel after scrolling. If your screen habits worry you in general, see signs of smartphone overuse.
How comparing yourself to others wears down self-esteem
A friend's announcement tells you about one change in their life. It does not establish that your career is over or that everyone else is ahead. But when comparison repeats, a sense of falling behind in one area can grow into a verdict about your whole self: “I'm just not good enough.” You do not need to invent hidden problems to make someone else's success smaller, either. Separating what you know from what you do not is enough to see how far the comparison really reaches. How one mistake spreads into a judgment of your whole self is covered in when one mistake shakes your sense of worth.
If you want to see where your self-esteem is right now, the Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale is a good place to start. It has 10 items and you can take it right away with no login. Exercises for building self-esteem are collected in how to raise self-esteem.
Try a self-assessment without signing inSelf-esteem (RSES)How you value and respect yourself. Answer the app’s questionnaire and see your result right away.Start the check →How to stop comparing yourself to others: 7 ways
Resolving never to compare again rarely works. Comparison is a thought that pops up on its own, so it is more realistic to change what you do after it appears than to stop it from appearing.
- Notice where comparison starts: for a week, jot down when and what you were looking at when you felt smaller. Once you see the pattern, such as the late-night feed or news in a group chat, you know where to act.
- Separate what you saw from the conclusion you drew: “They got promoted” is what you saw; “My life is falling behind” is the conclusion you added. Write them on separate lines.
- Compare with your past self: instead of the gap between you and others, look at yourself three months or a year ago. Writing down one thing you can now do shows change you thought had disappeared.
- Turn the wish inside envy into your own choice: work out whether you envied the salary, the freedom to choose or the recognition. Once the wish is clear, you can find your own next step without copying someone else's route.
- Return to what matters to you: write down two or three values you want to live by, then recall one thing you did today that fits them, instead of measuring yourself by someone else's yardstick.
- Write down three things you already have: at the end of the day, list three things you were grateful for or already have. It turns attention that was stuck on what others have back toward your own life.
- Curate your feed: temporarily mute accounts that always leave you feeling smaller, or turn off their notifications. This is not about cutting people off; it is about reducing the triggers.
If harsh self-talk follows the comparison, try saying to yourself what you would say to a friend in the same spot. You will find these exercises in self-esteem vs self-compassion. If it feels like you did nothing all day, see how to record a day's effort.
An example: is it the salary, the freedom or the recognition?
Imagine reading about an acquaintance's new job and thinking, “I've achieved nothing.” On closer inspection, you envy their ability to choose a next step more than the job title itself. That changes the action available to you. Instead of needing the same job immediately, you could identify two working conditions you want to change or learn what a role you are considering actually involves.
Turn comparison into three questions of your own
These questions are not a scorecard for getting ahead of someone else. They help you find which part of your own life the news touched. You can question your first interpretation without replacing it with forced optimism. Use the thought reflection worksheet if it helps to keep the situation and your interpretation on separate lines.
- What did I actually see? Describe one event rather than writing “everyone is doing well.”
- What did I want in that moment? Name something specific, such as stability, recognition or more free time.
- What choice of my own would move toward that wish? It does not have to copy the other person's route.
When to talk to a professional
If low mood after comparing lasts more than two weeks, or growing self-dislike starts to shake your daily life, talk with a mental health professional. If that self-dislike has deepened, see when self-hatred runs deep. If real discrimination or financial hardship is part of the picture, changing how you think is not the only answer you need.
If you want to talk through what comparison leaves behind
CareOps Maeumi is an AI counseling app informed by established approaches such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). Together you can look at the moment comparison began and the thoughts that followed, and each session picks up where the last one left off.
Frequently asked questions
- Is comparing yourself to others a bad thing?
- No. When there is no clear standard, people size up their abilities and views against those around them, and comparison can show you something worth learning. But if comparing always ends in “I'm not good enough” and leaves you low for a long time, it is worth looking at where comparison starts and what conclusion you attach to it.
- Why do I keep comparing myself to others?
- Festinger's social comparison theory holds that people want to evaluate themselves, and the fuzzier the yardstick, the more they look to others. Add an environment like social media that constantly shows other people's best moments, plus tiredness or low mood, and comparison shows up more often.
- What if I keep comparing even after deciding to stop?
- Having a comparison pop up is different from accepting its verdict. Rather than treating the thought as a failure, note the situations in which it keeps returning. That may point to a change in rest, information or how much contact you want with a particular feed.
- Do I have to quit social media to stop comparing?
- Not necessarily. In an experiment with college students, cutting back to 10 minutes per app per day was enough to reduce loneliness and depression. You can start by muting accounts that always leave you feeling smaller and scrolling less at times when comparison tends to hit, such as before bed.
- Can comparison ever be motivating?
- It can. If seeing someone ahead of you leads to “I could try that approach too,” comparison becomes learning. The test is whether what remains afterward is a next step or a put-down. If only the put-down remains, try comparing with your past self instead.
Sources
- Festinger (1954), A Theory of Social Comparison Processes, Human Relations
- Wills (1981), Downward comparison principles in social psychology, Psychological Bulletin
- Vogel, Rose, Roberts & Eckles (2014), Social comparison, social media, and self-esteem, Psychology of Popular Media Culture
- Hunt, Marx, Lipson & Young (2018), No More FOMO: Limiting Social Media Decreases Loneliness and Depression, Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology
- NHS · Reframing unhelpful thoughts
- APA · Social media and the internet
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