Self-esteem and self-compassion: how they differ
CareOps editorial team · · Updated · 6 min read
Mental wellness information and service guidance published by CareOps.
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Read our full editorial standards →On a good day, you feel capable. After a mistake, that confidence disappears. Self-compassion offers a way to respond to yourself when things go wrong, even when you do not feel especially good about yourself.
At a glance
- Self-esteem concerns how you evaluate yourself. Self-compassion concerns how you respond to yourself when you struggle. You can practice it even when your confidence is low.
- In the study, self-compassion was associated with a more stable sense of self-worth and less associated with comparing oneself to others or being defensive.
- Self-compassion is not self-indulgence. In an experiment, people who responded kindly to themselves after failure studied longer for their next test.
What is self-esteem?
Self-esteem is your overall evaluation of your worth. It can be influenced by experiences, relationships, and the standards you use to judge yourself.
Research on self-esteem has developed since an influential 2003 review questioned the evidence for some benefits. A later review by Orth and Robins (2022), including longitudinal evidence, found that self-esteem predicted better outcomes across several areas of life. This does not show that every confidence-building exercise works. Self-esteem and self-compassion can both matter; you do not have to choose one over the other.
When self-worth depends heavily on achievement, appearance, or approval, setbacks can feel personal. You may find yourself comparing, hiding mistakes, or bracing for criticism. Noticing those conditions can help you understand when your confidence becomes vulnerable.
The three elements of self-compassion
Psychologist Kristin Neff describes self-compassion as responding to yourself with care when you struggle. It involves kindness, a sense of shared humanity, and awareness of painful feelings.
| Element | Meaning | Its opposite |
|---|---|---|
| Self-kindness | Responding with understanding instead of harshness in difficult moments | Self-criticism |
| Common humanity | Recognizing that failure and imperfection are shared human experiences | Feeling isolated: “It is just me” |
| Mindfulness | Noticing painful feelings without exaggerating or suppressing them | Becoming caught up in feelings |
What is the difference between self-esteem and self-compassion?
| Self-esteem | Self-compassion | |
|---|---|---|
| Question | Am I a good person? | How can I respond to myself in this difficult moment? |
| Conditions | Can depend on achievement or comparison | Available without conditions, including on difficult days |
| After failure | May drop | Particularly relevant in that moment |
| Comparison | Can be affected by comparison, but does not require it | Does not require comparison |
In a study examining over 2,000 Dutch adults (Neff & Vonk, 2009), self-compassion predicted a more stable sense of self-worth than self-esteem and was less related to social comparison, anger, and defensive attitudes. The relationship with narcissism that appeared in self-esteem did not appear in self-compassion.
Doesn’t self-compassion make you weak?
A common worry is, “If I am kind to myself, I will become lazy.” An experiment found the opposite: after failing a difficult test, participants prompted to practice self-compassion studied longer for the next test than those given a self-esteem boost (Breines & Chen, 2012). Self-criticism can make failure frightening to revisit; self-compassion can make room to learn from it. For how self-compassion differs from self-pity, see Self-pity vs self-compassion.
A 2012 meta-analysis by MacBeth and Gumley found an association between greater self-compassion and lower depression, anxiety, and stress (r = −.54). An association does not by itself show that one causes the other.
Five ways to practice a kinder response
1. Compare your words with what you would tell a friend
Write what you would say to a friend facing the same mistake. Then write what you have been saying to yourself. Notice the difference in tone, and try one sentence that is both honest and less punishing.
2. Remember that struggling is a human experience
You might try: “Other people struggle with this too.” This need not minimize what happened or excuse harm. It is a way to acknowledge difficulty without treating it as proof that you are uniquely flawed.
3. Name the feeling
Try a specific description such as “I feel embarrassed” or “I am disappointed” instead of a verdict such as “I am a mess.” Our emotion diary guide offers a short format for noticing feelings and thoughts.
4. Reduce triggers for comparison
Comparison can be hard to stop through willpower alone. Try reducing the situations that trigger it: mute accounts that leave you feeling diminished, and put screens aside for 30 minutes before bed. Why comparison shows up and how to work with it is covered in how to stop comparing yourself to others.
5. Choose one manageable act of care
Pick something realistic, such as a glass of water after waking or a five-minute walk after lunch. Treat it as support for yourself, rather than another test you must pass. Adjust the plan if it does not fit the day.
When self-criticism is hard to interrupt
If self-criticism fills much of your day or includes thoughts of no longer wanting to be here, reach out to a trusted person or a mental health professional. If you feel at risk of acting on those thoughts, contact local emergency services or a crisis service in your country.
How do I treat myself?
The Self-Compassion Scale–Short Form (SCS-SF) uses twelve questions to show how you treat yourself in difficult moments. Rather than focusing on whether your score is high or low, use it to notice the moments when you are hardest on yourself. You can try it right away without signing in.
Try a self-assessment without signing inSCS-SF · Self-compassionExplore how you respond to yourself in difficult timesStart the check →To see where your self-esteem sits right now, try the Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale (10 questions). Everyday practices are in how to build self-esteem.
Frequently asked questions
- Is low self-esteem fixed from birth?
- No. Temperament can play a part, but experiences and relationships also influence how you see yourself. One place to begin is how you respond to a setback, rather than trying to make yourself feel confident on demand.
- How is self-compassion different from making excuses?
- Making excuses avoids responsibility. Self-compassion can acknowledge a mistake and its consequences without turning them into an attack on your whole character. That leaves room to repair what you can and learn from what happened.
- What can a self-esteem test tell you?
- It can give you a rough picture of how you currently evaluate yourself, but your mood that day can affect the result. Use it to notice the situations in which your self-evaluation drops, rather than focusing only on a score.
Sources
- Neff (2003), Self-Compassion: An Alternative Conceptualization of a Healthy Attitude Toward Oneself, Self and Identity
- Neff & Vonk (2009), Self-Compassion Versus Global Self-Esteem: Two Different Ways of Relating to Oneself, Journal of Personality
- Baumeister et al. (2003), Does High Self-Esteem Cause Better Performance, Interpersonal Success, Happiness, or Healthier Lifestyles?, Psychological Science in the Public Interest
- Orth & Robins (2022), Is high self-esteem beneficial? Revisiting a classic question, American Psychologist
- Breines & Chen (2012), Self-Compassion Increases Self-Improvement Motivation, Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin
- MacBeth & Gumley (2012), Exploring compassion: A meta-analysis of the association between self-compassion and psychopathology, Clinical Psychology Review
- Raes et al. (2011), Construction and factorial validity of a short form of the Self-Compassion Scale, Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy
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