Envy vs jealousy: what's the difference and how to handle each
CareOps editorial team · · 6 min read
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Read our full editorial standards →You congratulate a friend on a promotion while your stomach twists, or a chill runs through you when your partner laughs warmly with someone else. People often call both “jealousy,” but they are two different feelings. Here is how envy and jealousy differ and how to handle each.
At a glance
- Envy is wanting what someone else has (two people: you and them). Jealousy is fearing you'll lose a valued relationship to a rival (three people).
- In research, envy involved inferiority, longing and resentment; jealousy involved fear of loss, distrust, anxiety and anger. Benign envy, the kind that lifts you up, was linked to motivation to improve.
- Use envy as information about what you want; jealousy eases when you separate facts from guesses and ask for what you need in words.
What do envy and jealousy mean?
Envy is the sting of someone else's good fortune: you want their skill, success, things or looks, and it hurts that you don't have them. There are two people in the picture: you and them. Jealousy is the fear of losing a valued relationship, or your place in it, to someone else. There are three: you, the person who matters to you, and someone who looks like a rival. For a deeper look at jealousy alone, see what jealousy means.
Experiments comparing the two found clear differences. People recalling envy reported inferiority, longing and resentment, and disapproved of feeling that way; people recalling jealousy reported fear of loss, distrust, anxiety and anger (Parrott & Smith, 1993).
| Envy | Jealousy | |
|---|---|---|
| People involved | Two: you and them | Three: you, them, a rival |
| At its core | I want that | I'm afraid to lose this |
| Common feelings | Inferiority, longing, resentment | Fear, distrust, anxiety, anger |
| Typical moment | A peer's acceptance, a friend's new home | A partner's close friend, a best friend's new friend |
Does feeling envious make me a bad person?
No. Everyone feels envy, and research suggests it comes in two forms. Benign envy says “I want to get there too” and pushes you to lift yourself up; malicious envy says “I wish they'd fall” and pulls the other person down (van de Ven et al., 2009). In a follow-up, only benign envy, not admiration or malicious envy, was linked to motivation to work harder and to better task performance, and only when people believed they could improve (van de Ven et al., 2011). Rather than feeling ashamed, notice which way the feeling is heading.
Why does social media make envy stronger?
Social media shows other people's best moments, hand-picked. Set against your ordinary day, you always seem to fall short. A study combining an experiment and daily tracking found that passively scrolling Facebook, without posting, increased envy, and that envy in turn lowered mood (Verduyn et al., 2015). If scrolling starts to sting, closing the app is a fair choice. If comparison itself worries you, see how to stop comparing yourself to others, and if resentment piles on, see relative deprivation.
How can I handle envy?
1. Read envy as a signal of what you want
Envy doesn't arise toward just anyone; it arises toward people who have what you want. Write one line about what exactly you envy, then pick out what you truly want. If a friend's trip abroad stung, maybe what you miss isn't travel but time to rest.
2. Name the pull-down thoughts
When thoughts like “they just got lucky” or “it won't last” pop up, notice: “Ah, I'm sliding toward malicious envy.” Naming the thought, rather than fighting it, makes it pull on you less.
3. Choose one small step you can take
Benign envy helps most when you feel improvement is within reach. Pick the smallest step toward what you envy and do it this week. Comparing yourself with yesterday's you, not with someone else's results, is what lasts.
Is there a way to get rid of jealousy?
Jealousy is also a sign that a relationship matters, so handling it well is more realistic than erasing it. First, separate facts from guesses: “my partner replied to them quickly” is a fact; “they like that person more than me” is a guess. Then, instead of checking up secretly or accusing, ask for what you need in words, such as “I've been feeling a bit anxious lately; could we spend the weekend together?” Monitoring someone's phone or deciding who they can see only muffles jealousy for a moment and harms the relationship.
With both envy and jealousy, the more your sense of worth hangs on comparison, the harder they shake you. If you'd like a quick look at how you see yourself lately, try the check below.
Try a self-assessment without signing inSelf-esteem (RSES)How you value and respect yourself. Answer the app’s questionnaire and see your result right away.Start the check →When to talk with a professional
If comparison takes up most of your day, or jealousy keeps you suspecting and checking on someone until the relationship keeps wobbling, it's better to explore it in counseling than to push through alone.
Envy and anxious jealousy rise so fast that it's often hard to see the thoughts and wishes underneath on your own. CareOps Maeumi is an AI counseling app that runs sessions with established approaches such as cognitive behavioral (CBT) and acceptance and commitment (ACT) methods, and remembers past sessions so the next one picks up where you left off. You can find what your envy says you want and look at jealous moments step by step. Get the app
Frequently asked questions
- What's the difference between envy and jealousy?
- Envy is wanting what someone else has, between two people. Jealousy is fearing you'll lose a valued relationship to someone else, among three. Research found envy involves inferiority and longing, while jealousy involves fear of loss and distrust.
- What should I do when others' success stings?
- First, you don't need to be ashamed of it. Write down what you envy, find the wish inside it, and choose one small step toward that wish. If passive scrolling stings, closing the app for a while helps too.
- Can I get rid of jealousy completely?
- Jealousy is also a sign that a relationship matters, so handling it is more realistic than erasing it. Separating facts from guesses and asking for what you need, rather than checking or controlling, helps it pass more gently.
Sources
- Parrott & Smith (1993), Distinguishing the experiences of envy and jealousy, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology
- van de Ven, Zeelenberg & Pieters (2009), Leveling up and down: The experiences of benign and malicious envy, Emotion
- van de Ven, Zeelenberg & Pieters (2011), Why envy outperforms admiration, Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin
- Verduyn et al. (2015), Passive Facebook usage undermines affective well-being, Journal of Experimental Psychology: General
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