Stockholm syndrome and Lima syndrome: what they mean and why some bonds are hard to leave

CareOps editorial team · November 9, 2026 · 6 min read

Mental wellness information and service guidance published by CareOps.

You may have found yourself defending someone who hurts you, or even getting angry when others criticize them. People often call this “Stockholm syndrome.” Here is where the term comes from, what its reverse, Lima syndrome, means, and why this pull shows up in everyday relationships.

What does Stockholm syndrome mean? #

Stockholm syndrome describes hostages or people being harmed who come to feel closeness and sympathy toward the person threatening them, and take that person's side. It is not a clinical diagnosis. A systematic review found it wasn't listed in any international classification, most papers were case reports, and no validated criteria existed (Namnyak et al., 2008). It's most accurately understood as an everyday term for a pattern that can happen (Adorjan et al., 2012).

Where does the name come from? #

From August 23 to 28, 1973, four bank employees were held hostage for six days at a bank on Norrmalmstorg square in Stockholm, Sweden. When the freed hostages seemed more afraid of the police than of their captors, Swedish psychiatrist and criminologist Nils Bejerot gave the reaction a name, which spread as “Stockholm syndrome.” Notably, hostage Kristin Enmark later said the police, pushing risky tactics, felt like the bigger threat, and that she simply did what it took to stay alive. So the interpretation was contested from the very start.

What is Lima syndrome, and how is it different? #

Lima syndrome runs the other way: captors who spend time with hostages start to feel sympathy and soften. It became known alongside the December 1996 crisis in which an armed group took hundreds of people hostage at the Japanese ambassador's residence in Lima, Peru, where many hostages were released early on. Like Stockholm syndrome, it's a name for a pattern, not a diagnosis.

Why do we bond with someone who hurts us? #

This pull comes not from weakness but from the effort to survive. When someone holds your safety and daily life in their hands, reading and meeting their moods becomes the safest path. The fewer ways out you see, and the more they're the only one you can lean on, the deeper the dependence. And when someone who frightens you shows a small kindness, it feels far bigger than it is. “But they're good to me sometimes” becomes the thread that holds you.

Does Stockholm syndrome happen in dating or family life? #

Even without anything as extreme as a hostage situation, similar bonds can form in controlling, hurtful relationships. Research calls this trauma bonding. In a study of 75 women who had recently left abusive relationships, attachment that lingered after leaving was stronger when the abuse was intermittent and the power gap was larger (Dutton & Painter, 1993). A review of many studies found common threads: a power imbalance, a mix of good and bad moments, gratitude in the good times and self-blame in the bad, and taking on the other person's view as your own (Casassa et al., 2021). It often comes with gaslighting, which keeps you doubting your own memory and judgment.

What signs might point to this kind of bond? #

• When they hurt you, your first thought is “It's because I did something wrong.”
• When family or friends worry, you defend the other person and pull away from them.
• You cover painful memories by recalling the occasional kindness.
• You can't say what you want because you're busy watching their mood.
• Even after separating, you keep missing them and want to go back.

This list isn't a set of diagnostic criteria but questions for looking at your own experience. If several fit, it may be time to look at how safe you are in the relationship.

How can someone get out of a bond like this? #

1. Write down what happened, with dates — when your memory wavers, it gives you facts to return to.
2. Reconnect with one person you trust — as isolation eases, you can step back from the other person's view.
3. Put the good times and the hard times side by side — see for yourself that small kindnesses don't erase the harm.
4. Plan for safety first — if leaving suddenly could be more dangerous, decide in advance where to stay, whom to contact and what to take.
5. Don't treat missing them as failure — the bond weakens slowly. Missing someone and deciding to go back are different things.

How can I help someone in a relationship like this? #

Saying “Why haven't you left yet?” can make them feel lonelier and push them toward the other person. Instead of attacking the partner, keeping the door open, “I'm on your side, reach out any time,” helps for longer. Don't try to make the decision for them; believe what they've been through, and if things look dangerous, think about safety together first. If startle, nightmares or tension last long after leaving, it may help to read about PTSD symptoms too.

Blaming yourself for not leaving, or for still missing them, rarely untangles on your own. CareOps Maeumi is an AI counseling app that runs sessions with established approaches such as cognitive behavioral (CBT) and acceptance and commitment (ACT) methods, and remembers past sessions so the next one picks up where you left off. You can sort through what happened in the relationship and practice seeing self-blaming thoughts with fresh eyes. Get the app

This guide shares mental wellness information. If you are in immediate danger, contact emergency services where you are. Support and contact information.